I just had a disturbing epiphany: as I was watching a Millionaire Matchmaker marathon, I got completely sucked in when Zagros took Teal on a date to an exotic animal nature reserve. I knew it wasn’t going to end well, because 1. I spent months with Beta tapes while at VH1 and I know how reality television is edited, and 2. he only likes models, and Teal showed up with her titties out … and she has a stripper name. They were clearly physically drawn to one another, but then dramatic “bad” music started playing as they made out on the helicopter ride…and then, all bets were off: they slept together before monogamy, Patti’s golden rule. Teal was repulsed, and uncomfortable, and never wanted to see him again.
Before I go on, let me point out that while much of what she says has validity, I don’t agree with all of Patti’s values. I mean, look at what the show is about. Okay, cool.
Currently, the majority of my close girlfriends are in serious, long-term relationships, and either live with their boyfriends, or are temporarily doing the long-distance thing because of school or work, but if they were in the same city, they’d be having me over for mimosas, and I’d awkwardly have to politely remind them that orange juice literally makes me vom upon seeing it being poured into a glass. Literally. Don’t try it. I’m also really lucky that all of my couple-friends are cool couples, and I have never felt like a third wheel, ever.
So my friend Annie is my token single girl friend who I see on a regular basis with similar going-out stamina, and we have bonded over the fact that despite our love for Patti and everything she stands for, we would both fail her club. Between the two drink maximum (HA), our pre-monogamy romps, and our mutual love of drunk texting, we would be out of that club before the casting session even began. I mean, that and we’d never actually submit ourselves to that show, just to be clear.
Here’s the epiphany: I’ve dug myself into a hole. In truth, I’m a total prude, and a freak of an over analyzer. Read anything I’ve ever written. BUT, because of this whole notion that I started my blog’s following by being Underthebutton.com’s first sex columnist, I lead with an air of promiscuity, both in my writing, and in person, out of fear of experiencing any genuine intimacy with a guy.
And that’s for two reasons: 1. I’ve been burned, badly, and I’m not even counting college. 2. I know that guys who I could be interested in read my blog (and note how even now, I said “could” and put it in italics because I don’t even want to admit to being interested in someone beyond having a crush on them which is harmless, as you can see from my list).
BUT, because I already broke Patti’s rules, and in the past, if/when I broke the rules and let my guard down, it ends painfully, I’ve just already assumed that any shot with the decent ones who’ve already seen me drunk and slutty is donezo.
So the defense mechanisms come out: I go out a lot. I flirt with EVERYONE. I write about how I have intimacy issues, knowing it’s going to be read, and noted. Yet I’m smacking myself as I watch Teal crying in Patti’s office: I actually want to be pursued. I want to be asked out on a real date and have that sense of satisfaction and empowerment when I don’t go home with him after, because I’m a lady. And why would anyone possibly know that unless they read this?
Well, now you’ve read it. Thank you, Patti.
